Feeling Like a Failure

So I quit my job today.

This job was my first big step into adulthood.

I wore professional clothes. I worked in a cubicle. I was offered benefits. I took a coffee break everyday about an hour after lunch. I brought my lunch from home everyday, except Fridays. Fridays I went out and explored new food places with my work friends.

This job was my first big step into adulthood.

I was subject to bigotry and unprofessionalism. Found out things about the company that were not in line with my morals. Was hired as a writer, but discovered that no one was actually reading my work and that what I was doing 7 hours a day, 5 days a week did not matter. I couldn't even point you to one of the hundreds of articles I wrote at this company, because I a) have never been told where to look and b) do not know how to access copy that is embedded into the coding of a website. That's right. No one, other than my editor and possibly supervisor, has or will ever read what I have spent the past 10 weeks of my life doing.

As someone whose one goal in life is to create things that audiences consume... This was heartbreaking.

These are some of the reasons why I decided to quit this job. Many would applaud me. A few people have called me brave. How big of me to stand up for what I think is right and hold on to my morals.

I do not want people to think this was some kind of grand gesture. Yes, I had to do something extremely scary. Yes, I think what I did was right. Yes, I still have morals at 22 years of age.

But I am no hero.

I do not, in any way, shape, or form, feel heroic.

I feel like a failure.

I am terrified.

I am terrified of failure.

I am terrified of not getting things right.

I am terrified of letting my parents down.

I am terrified of never feeling accomplished.

I am terrified of not living up to expectations.

Most of the time, the people in my life (friends, professors, classmates, family) believe in me way more than I could ever even believe in myself. Because I am inside my brain. With my fears. With my anxieties. With my self-loathing.

I am terrified of falling into the deep, dark place I was about three months ago before I landed my first job out of college.

I don't like that place. I never want to go back.

But I can feel myself inching down.

Ever since I made the decision that I needed to get out of this job, face my fears, and actually pursue my dreams, I have had a crazy combination of jubilation and fear mixed up inside of me. I could feel it in my stomach, head, palms, and twitching left eyelid. I felt it as I drove to work. I felt it when I drove home from work. I felt it when I sat at my desk. I felt it when I sat in my car at lunch and had to put my book down because I had just read the same sentence over and over again five times and none of the information was actually entering my mind because all I could think about was how fast the last 47 minutes have gone by and how I really hoped that the next 13 would somehow stretch to another hour of lunchtime.

As of today, I no longer work there.

I had maybe an hour of confusion and joy before that transformed into confusion and anxiety and failure.

I feel like a failure.

I hope it will pass.

I hope this next week of commencement ceremonies and graduation celebrations will give me a sense of accomplishment.

I hope I will hear back from one of the dozens of companies I have applied to in the past month.

I hope I do not fall back into that place that I do not like.

I hope I believe in myself again.

I feel like a failure.

So I'm Graduating This Week

December 11, 2014. The day that I will attend my last class (at least as an undergrad - haven't totally ruled out grad school yet) in college.

That's crazy. Like Crazy with a capital C. It's out of sane, that's what it is. "Out of sane" is like "out of control" and "insane" had sex and a Crazy word baby popped out.

So yeah. Graduating? Pretty out of sane.

It has been an out of sane 3.5 years.

A little back story... I was in my high school's graduating class of 2011. In high school I took three AP classes that earned me 18 units in total. 18 units is kinda a lot. They equal approximately six classes, more than a typical semester of college. So I started the Fall 2011 semester at San Francisco State University a semester in.

Fast forward to now... This is my last week of school and I am graduating a semester early from the "average" four years.

Now I don't want to give all the credit to those AP classes. I also took at least five classes every semester and worked my butt off. I passed every class and got a variety of A's and B's. I'm usually not one to toot my own horn outside of my close family and friends but... TOOT EFFIN TOOT. I'm proud of myself and I'm graduating so this is my moment, okay?

A lot of hard work and now a lot of hard goodbyes.

I've already said goodbye to a few friends that I'm not sure when or where or if I will see them again. (I had to do this with friends that graduated last year too, but it seems weirder when I'm the one that is leaving.) Tuesday, I said goodbye to a professor and advisor that has helped me so much with school and life and inspires me to be as cool and awesome and bad ass as she is.

In the next couple days, I'm going to have to say goodbye to so many more people that have helped me figure out what kind of human I want to be. That's hard. Moving on and starting a new chapter of life is hard. Leaving the safety of school and classes and assignments and professors and classmates is hard. Who is going to kick my butt and force me to write scripts and think analytically about things and let me host a radio show? Not many people in the "real world."

Saying goodbye to friends is hard. From now on, hanging out with a group of old friends is going to require trips and plane rides and scheduling and taking time off from work.

I know it's not really "goodbye," it's "see you later." Especially with social media and the wonders of 21st century technology, it is pretty easy to stay in touch with friends on the internet.

But it's not the same!

I, of course, love the internet. I spend most of my free-time somehow connected to it. However, I also really enjoy face to face human interaction.

So graduating is hard. Growing up is hard. Figuring out what the hell the next step in my life is is hard. Holy poop knuckles. What am I doing with my life?? ANXIETY. AAAAHHH!

I'll save that for another post.

I should get back to finishing my final projects and dealing with the fast-approaching life post-college. I'm scared. Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading!

P.S. Are you graduating? How do you feel? Isn't this crazy??
Did you already graduate? How the heck are you doing? How did you deal with graduating? Wasn't it crazy??
Are you still enjoying the college life? CHERISH IT.

I'd love to see your answers and comments below!

Writing Is the New Therapy

As a drastic change from my last post (about 6 months ago), I am feeling the opposite of flawless. How can a human even be flawless in a world that seems so unchangeably flawed?

I haven’t sobbed like this in a long time. Usually these kinds of tears and choking breaths come after a hurtful argument with a loved one or a loved one passing away. This ugly, horrible cry-sesh was not caused by either of those. Actually, I take that back. The first item in the list, "a hurtful argument with a loved one," is a part of today's tyrannic tears. (I still love any chance at alliteration no matter how upset I am while writing.) However, despite the argument being a major factor, it cannot be ignored that the argument would not have occurred in the first place if it were not for the purest form of evil in the world. My eternal enemy. The cause of so much pain and injustice. Hundreds, thousands, have rallied against it. Yet, it still remains. The Patriarchy. 

FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.

I'd rather not go into detail about the event that caused the disagreement, but I do need to vent and get these thoughts out. 

I was very upset when it happened. I still am. I'm just not shaking as much anymore. 

It's an interesting thing that for the first time in my life, my first instinct while upset is to write. Not just tweets, either, but something that feels more concrete. This blog post. It's empowering to be able to just sit down and type out thoughts and emotions and almost instantly feel a little better. Am I becoming a real writer? Is this a new form of therapy for me? Is this what I always read about and dreamed would one day happen to me? Is it happening? Right now?

I must tell you, I wasn't prepared for this. I initially sat down and opened up my laptop to rant and vent about my day. However, I'm changing my mind. Right now as I type this. The magic of writing. I've decided that I am going to write about the power of writing and my love for it. I don't want to give any more power to the patriarchy than it already has. Being upset isn't going to change anything. It's just going to make me feel even shittier than I did before the incident happened. I don't want that. I want to be happy. I like being happy. I want to feel empowered and capable and fearless. 

That's what writing makes me feel like. When I write, I can create whatever I want. Any truth that I want is possible. Each sentence I type is an expression of who I am that cannot be placed back inside my head. Even if I don't publish this post (I haven't decided at this point), the words have still been typed out of me and nothing can change that and no one can take that away. 

I feel lighter. The heaviness is melting away. I am in control of that and that in itself is amazing. I can be peaceful in my thoughts and words because I created them. I can be as peaceful as I want to be or as hateful as I want to be. I'd rather not hate. Whatever I want to feel, is what I can and will feel. Only I have total control over what is going on up in my brain. Me and only me. No one can get in there and change stuff around! That is such a great thing! In a world that can feel so out-of-control crazy and untameable, I can completely control my mind. If I let myself. 

Not to be a total cheese ball, but... it really all comes back to my tattoo and ultimate favorite quote ever, "The mind is everything." When I am feeling really shitty and I'm crying and my chest hurts and I all of a sudden want to sign up for kick-boxing classes while simultaneously eating a bucket of fries, I must remind myself of this. Really, I could just look in the mirror. The message is right there on my left collarbone. For that, I am thankful to myself. Yes. I am thankful to my self, goddammit. I chose to permanently put something on my body that is extremely important to me and that no one can take away. Unless they skinned me. Aaaand that just took us to a place that I really do not want to go with this post, so I'm just going to stop talking about it riiiight now. 

I am thankful that I got my tattoo, because no matter how much I'd like to think that I don't need to be reminded of the awesomeness that every single brain is powerful and capable of amazing things, I sometimes forget. The patriarchy brings me down and I get sucked into that really dark place that's hard to get out of. It scares me when I get that sad. I often forget that I am capable of feeling that low. The initial shock of realizing I am in that place is one of the main reasons its hard to get back out. For me, anyway.

I spend a lot of energy while I am happy or trying to act happy (like today, for instance when I wanted to punch a rude dad in the throat on one of the campus tours I gave, but instead continued on with my cheery tour guide disposition). As a result of my general (for lack of a better term) "happy vibe," when I get low, I really get low. And I'm not just talking about my dance moves. HEY-OH. Am I trying to mask my sadness with dumb jokes right now? Honestly? I can get real sick of myself sometimes. *rolls eyes at own dumb joke* Back to the more serious stuff... My energy decrease really just follows the laws of physics. Energy is put into a new source, and as a result, the energy in the original source is lowered. When I get to this point, I need to charge back up. Usually this can work with hugs, laughs, and yummy food. 

Now, I'm not saying I am unique in these feelings and that no one else ever feels like this. I'm not trying to have a pity party of one. Or at least, I hope I'm not the only one. All are welcome to the pity party. There are plenty of snacks. If I do post this (I still have yet to decide), I hope that at least one person can relate and maybe feel a little better being reassured that they have all of the power they need to feel good about themselves. 

The simple action of feeling good about oneself is a terrific thing. Once we all feel confident enough about ourselves that we decide to go out and do things in real life, we can make some really cool things happen. Like learning about the upcoming elections and voting for stuff that will make positive impacts in our lives. 

By the way, if you're not registered to vote, what are you doing? It's so easy. I did it in 2012 so I could vote in the big elections! So fun! You should definitely register. Here. I'll even hand-feed you the link: REGISTER! CLICK THIS NOW! You have until October 20th so no rush, but just do it now so you won't have to worry about it later. The last thing you need are stress dreams attempting to remind you that you haven't registered to vote yet. 

If you need more convincing to get up and off your butt for seriously, like 5 minutes (okay maybe like, 30 with public transportation and stuff, but still) to vote, here is a really great blog post by Lena Dunham that is funny and entertaining and will make you want to vote to defend your rights: Top Five Reasons You Should Vote. Even if you don't like Lena, just pretend she didn't write it and let yourself enjoy the post. Just do it. Geez. She talks about Beyoncé and Blue Ivy. There. Did that get you to read it? I hope so.

(SIDE-NOTE: It's safe to say that at this point, I have decided to actually publish this post.)

Now that you've read the post, I hope you have registered to vote. And now that you're all registered to vote, guess what? You have even more power! You not only have the power to control what's going on in your mind, but you also have the power to control what's going on in your country! If you're from the U.S. If you're not... First of all, HI! Thanks for reading! Second of all, sorry that this whole end part of the post is not really applying to you. Hopefully there is something you can do in your country or community to make people's lives (including your own, remember that you are important too) better.

BUT WOW PEOPLE IN AMERICA! This is something really great. 

I feel a bajillion times better than I did when I started this post. I love writing. Alright, I'm gonna end this before I get even cheesier and more unreadable than this post probably already is.

Thank you for reading!