As a drastic change from my last post (about 6 months ago), I am feeling the opposite of flawless. How can a human even be flawless in a world that seems so unchangeably flawed?
I haven’t sobbed like this in a long time. Usually these kinds of tears and choking breaths come after a hurtful argument with a loved one or a loved one passing away. This ugly, horrible cry-sesh was not caused by either of those. Actually, I take that back. The first item in the list, "a hurtful argument with a loved one," is a part of today's tyrannic tears. (I still love any chance at alliteration no matter how upset I am while writing.) However, despite the argument being a major factor, it cannot be ignored that the argument would not have occurred in the first place if it were not for the purest form of evil in the world. My eternal enemy. The cause of so much pain and injustice. Hundreds, thousands, have rallied against it. Yet, it still remains. The Patriarchy.
FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.
I'd rather not go into detail about the event that caused the disagreement, but I do need to vent and get these thoughts out.
I was very upset when it happened. I still am. I'm just not shaking as much anymore.
It's an interesting thing that for the first time in my life, my first instinct while upset is to write. Not just tweets, either, but something that feels more concrete. This blog post. It's empowering to be able to just sit down and type out thoughts and emotions and almost instantly feel a little better. Am I becoming a real writer? Is this a new form of therapy for me? Is this what I always read about and dreamed would one day happen to me? Is it happening? Right now?
I must tell you, I wasn't prepared for this. I initially sat down and opened up my laptop to rant and vent about my day. However, I'm changing my mind. Right now as I type this. The magic of writing. I've decided that I am going to write about the power of writing and my love for it. I don't want to give any more power to the patriarchy than it already has. Being upset isn't going to change anything. It's just going to make me feel even shittier than I did before the incident happened. I don't want that. I want to be happy. I like being happy. I want to feel empowered and capable and fearless.
That's what writing makes me feel like. When I write, I can create whatever I want. Any truth that I want is possible. Each sentence I type is an expression of who I am that cannot be placed back inside my head. Even if I don't publish this post (I haven't decided at this point), the words have still been typed out of me and nothing can change that and no one can take that away.
I feel lighter. The heaviness is melting away. I am in control of that and that in itself is amazing. I can be peaceful in my thoughts and words because I created them. I can be as peaceful as I want to be or as hateful as I want to be. I'd rather not hate. Whatever I want to feel, is what I can and will feel. Only I have total control over what is going on up in my brain. Me and only me. No one can get in there and change stuff around! That is such a great thing! In a world that can feel so out-of-control crazy and untameable, I can completely control my mind. If I let myself.
Not to be a total cheese ball, but... it really all comes back to my tattoo and ultimate favorite quote ever, "The mind is everything." When I am feeling really shitty and I'm crying and my chest hurts and I all of a sudden want to sign up for kick-boxing classes while simultaneously eating a bucket of fries, I must remind myself of this. Really, I could just look in the mirror. The message is right there on my left collarbone. For that, I am thankful to myself. Yes. I am thankful to my self, goddammit. I chose to permanently put something on my body that is extremely important to me and that no one can take away. Unless they skinned me. Aaaand that just took us to a place that I really do not want to go with this post, so I'm just going to stop talking about it riiiight now.
I am thankful that I got my tattoo, because no matter how much I'd like to think that I don't need to be reminded of the awesomeness that every single brain is powerful and capable of amazing things, I sometimes forget. The patriarchy brings me down and I get sucked into that really dark place that's hard to get out of. It scares me when I get that sad. I often forget that I am capable of feeling that low. The initial shock of realizing I am in that place is one of the main reasons its hard to get back out. For me, anyway.
I spend a lot of energy while I am happy or trying to act happy (like today, for instance when I wanted to punch a rude dad in the throat on one of the campus tours I gave, but instead continued on with my cheery tour guide disposition). As a result of my general (for lack of a better term) "happy vibe," when I get low, I really get low. And I'm not just talking about my dance moves. HEY-OH. Am I trying to mask my sadness with dumb jokes right now? Honestly? I can get real sick of myself sometimes. *rolls eyes at own dumb joke* Back to the more serious stuff... My energy decrease really just follows the laws of physics. Energy is put into a new source, and as a result, the energy in the original source is lowered. When I get to this point, I need to charge back up. Usually this can work with hugs, laughs, and yummy food.
Now, I'm not saying I am unique in these feelings and that no one else ever feels like this. I'm not trying to have a pity party of one. Or at least, I hope I'm not the only one. All are welcome to the pity party. There are plenty of snacks. If I do post this (I still have yet to decide), I hope that at least one person can relate and maybe feel a little better being reassured that they have all of the power they need to feel good about themselves.
The simple action of feeling good about oneself is a terrific thing. Once we all feel confident enough about ourselves that we decide to go out and do things in real life, we can make some really cool things happen. Like learning about the upcoming elections and voting for stuff that will make positive impacts in our lives.
By the way, if you're not registered to vote, what are you doing? It's so easy. I did it in 2012 so I could vote in the big elections! So fun! You should definitely register. Here. I'll even hand-feed you the link:
REGISTER! CLICK THIS NOW! You have until October 20th so no rush, but just do it now so you won't have to worry about it later. The last thing you need are stress dreams attempting to remind you that you haven't registered to vote yet.
If you need more convincing to get up and off your butt for seriously, like 5 minutes (okay maybe like, 30 with public transportation and stuff, but still) to vote, here is a really great blog post by Lena Dunham that is funny and entertaining and will make you want to vote to defend your rights:
Top Five Reasons You Should Vote. Even if you don't like Lena, just pretend she didn't write it and let yourself enjoy the post. Just do it. Geez. She talks about Beyoncé and Blue Ivy. There. Did that get you to read it? I hope so.
(SIDE-NOTE: It's safe to say that at this point, I have decided to actually publish this post.)
Now that you've read the post, I hope you have registered to vote. And now that you're all registered to vote, guess what? You have even more power! You not only have the power to control what's going on in your mind, but you also have the power to control what's going on in your country! If you're from the U.S. If you're not... First of all, HI! Thanks for reading! Second of all, sorry that this whole end part of the post is not really applying to you. Hopefully there is something you can do in your country or community to make people's lives (including your own, remember that you are important too) better.
BUT WOW PEOPLE IN AMERICA! This is something really great.
I feel a bajillion times better than I did when I started this post. I love writing. Alright, I'm gonna end this before I get even cheesier and more unreadable than this post probably already is.
Thank you for reading!
