The Flossing Rule

I have this weird, really annoying, unspoken rule with myself when it comes to flossing.

I only ever want to floss my teeth when the timing is the least appropriate. It's usually two o'clock in the morning and I've been up for too long and I should really go to sleep. It's as if the gravity of the consequences of poor flossing habits only truly holds weight when my eyes are burning red with exhaustion and I'm punch drunk tired. 

After washing my face, brushing my teeth, and doing all of the other things in my nightly routine, I open my medicine cabinet to put my toothbrush away and a true internal dilemma unfolds. 

The following is the scene I imagine happens between the little people that control my brain machine (in script format to illustrate that I have a degree in screenwriting), revealing the true nut-job I am. 

INT. MICHELLE ARNO'S BRAIN MACHINE - NIGHT

SLEEPY and LOOPY stand at the control panel of Michelle's brain machine. A large screen in front of them displays what Michelle sees while performing her nighttime routine in the bathroom (washing her face, brushing her teeth, etc.). Sleepy is in sensible pajamas, has pimple cream on her face, and is slumped over. Loopy is wearing a bunny onesie, is drinking coffee, and is jumping around. The screen displays the inside of Michelle's medicine cabinet. Loopy looks up at the screen and points.

LOOPY

Oh, look! Floss!

Sleepy rolls her eyes.

SLEEPY

It's two in the morning. 

LOOPY

But her teeth really need to be flossed. 

I think there's a bit of something 

in between those two in the front...

SLEEPY

Why now of all times?

She should really be getting some sleep!

LOOPY

 If not now, when? 

She can't just put this off forever! 

Her teeth might fall out! 

She might get gingivitis! 

The dentist will know she only 

flossed the week leading up to her appointment 

because her gums will be super sensitive 

and bleed everywhere when he cleans them! 

Then when he asks how often she flosses, 

she'll have to lie like she always does and say, 

"I try to get to it a couple times a week." 

And then he'll nod and say, 

"That's okay, but you should 

really try to floss every day," 

but he will know. HE WILL KNOW.

She's gotta floss now. She HAS to.

Loopy falls to her knees and raises her arms up, begging. Sleepy puts on her reading glasses and opens a book.

SLEEPY

Sure. Fine. Whatever.

THE END

So that's me being crazy. Happened just the other night. Thinking this over, I might have a slight case of multiple personality disorder... Psychology friends? Other friends? People that like to pretend they know everything about personalities after taking too many Buzzfeed quizzes? What do you think? Leave your thoughts and analyses in the comments below.

P.S. I imagine Sleepy saying that last line like Scully in this gif: 

P.P.S. Yes, I imagine my brain machine looks like the control center of Inside Out. 

this week's videos...

This lil character was created on snapchat. Some of my friends fell in love. She is now immortalized on the internet for their (and your) viewing pleasure.

Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. Here is a little message about lovin' stuff.

Harry Potter made me cry (but what else is new)

The other day, my friend Kate and I were getting into some deep discussions, or as the kids call it, "Real Talk." Kate and I often enjoy discussing important and thought-provoking topics, but this conversation was getting on another level. We were gettin' emotional, bringin' up issues of the universe, discussing the possibilities of what happens when we die...

At one point in the conversation, we decided to make some tea to help us calm down, get positive, and get back on this planet. We were joking about tea leaves and reading them to predict the future and Trelawney came up. Then the mood took a turn.

I could see that Kate was getting upset again, but I was afraid to ask what was wrong. Before I could even contemplate what to say, she started tearing up and cried out, "Trelawney isn't real!" I then realized what was happening.

I forgot to mention that earlier in the afternoon Kate kept stating what was real and not real and why the realness of that thing or person or whatever would be super sucky. So I realized that this Trelawney convo was going to be a variation on that. I was confident in my ability to handle it. I was blindly confident. Blind because there was no way to know how I was going to get caught up in this storm of existential crisisness.

I decided to attempt to cheer Kate up by reminding her of who we have to thank for such an awesome character like Trelawney. Our Queen. Our one true beacon of light. The Creator of all that is holy. JK Rowling.

So I confirmed, "No. Trelawney isn't real," and asked my friend, "But do you know who is?" Kate replied through sniffles, "Who?"

And with all of the confidence in the world that I was about to be the coolest bitch ever and make Kate realize that joy does, in fact, exist, I said, "JK Rowling is real. JK fucking Rowling is real. She's a real bad ass bitch that wrote Harry Potter and invented a universe and she created characters that we love and hate and love to hate and she wrote Trelawney. So really, Trelawney is real. Because Jo wrote her. And Jo is real. "

Then, as script people would say, there was a beat in the conversation. A pause, if you will.

I smiled with anticipation. Oh hell, yeah. That was awesome. Get ready for some happiness. Joy is about to shoot out of Kate and we're gonna laugh and drink tea and be merry.

Kate took a breath, opened her mouth, and began to sob, blubbering out, "'Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?'"

And then I started to cry, then sob, then lose my shit.

We eventually drank our tea and calmed down and watched some Netflix, but it was definitely an emotional rollercoaster.

And that's my story. What a ride, amirite ladies?

-

So I realize that some of you readers may not be as big of a Harry Potter fangirl/nerd/loser as me, so you may have a few questions about the scene that just took place, such as,

"Wait. What the fuck did Kate say?"

and if you're asking that, you might also be asking, "And who the fuck is Harry?"

and furthermore, "And what the fuck is a Trelawney??"

Let's dive into this backwards, shall we?

Question three, "And what the fuck is a Trelawney??"

The correct question would actually be, "Who the fuck is a Trelawney?"

Professor Trelawney is the Divination teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She wears big bug-eye glasses and is responsible for the prophecy that basically stated that Voldy (Voldemort - the main bad guy) and Harry gotta battle to the death. She teaches her students astrology, shows them how to read tea leaves, gazes into crystal balls, predicts omens, makes her students fear for their lives, etc.

We were making tea, tea has tea leaves, Trelawney reads tea leaves. That's why Trelawney got brought up. Because mine and Kate's friendship relies heavily on our obsession with Harry Potter and relating everything in life to it.

Question two, "And who the fuck is Harry?"

Must you be so daft? Harry Potter. Fucking Harry Potter. Harry fucking Potter. Did you not read the title of this blog post? I literally just casually mentioned him in the last answer and you just nodded your head and acted like you knew what I was talking about. Oh my god. Just leave. Get out of here. I can't bear to look at you. I just can't.

And finally, question one, "Wait. What the fuck did Kate say?"

If you used ~context clues~, you might have noticed that there were two sets of quotation marks around Kate's dialogue. That means I was quoting her as she was quoting something else. She was quoting Harry Potter. Harry fucking Potter. Because, as I mentioned previously, we relate everything to Harry Potter. So there is a Harry Potter quote for every occasion. Like a Hallmark card. But for nerds.

To be more specific, Kate was quoting a character in Harry Potter, Professor Dumbledore (the tall old white dude that looks like Gandalf - and if you don't know who Gandalf is, you can leave with the other people that didn't know who Harry is). He tells Harry this beautiful quote, one of my favorite quotes ever, at the end of Chapter 33 of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, King's Cross Station. 

SPOILER ALERT

GTFO IF YOU'VE NEVER READ OR WATCHED HARRY POTTER

LEAVE

RUN. RUN AWAY AND NEVER RETURN.
(Lion King reference... I'm a loser, I know...)

LAST CHANCE TO NOT GET SPOILED OKAY HERE WE GO I WARNED YOU

Voldy gives Harry the old one-two and Harry dies. Then he wakes up in what seems to be King's Cross Station. Then he starts talking to Dumbledore. Who had been dead for like two years. Some crazy shit, I know. So obvi Harry is all, "wtf how is this happening?" and Dumby's all, "dude it's in your head, but it's real." And Harry's just like, "dude." And then they smoke some pot and kick it while bb fetus Voldy is under a bench or some shit. It's pretty much like suuuper cool and amazing and everyone's like, "whoaaaaa totally, man. what's in your head IS real. that's tight. dope. sick. tubular. yeah."

Really touching stuff.

The depth of the quote is truly life-changing and Kate and I's mental states just could not simply hold up.

So there it is. One of my many tales of Harry Potter making me cry.

Thank you for reading. Comment below or tweet at me or just tell me in real life, a time when something that brings you so much joy made you cry. I love that kind of crap. Anyway, thanks again for being here.

Stay tuned for more emotional instability.